Cut the Shit

Ride or Die

Wellity.

Look who’s back! Back again. Tell a friend. Fuck you Eminem. And fuck Kim Mathers too.

Hi everyone. Long time with no shit cutting, eh? Well, don’t you worry. I’ve been stewing in a dumpster of my own shit for weeks. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to crawl out of my poop pile in order to write an entry in my journal. But here I am. Alive and kicking. So, why should we dilly dally any longer?
It’s time to jump right in with some updates!

Work
Ari and I have had quite a tumultuous ride over the last couple of weeks. It all started with a simple supply order mistake and ended up being World War 11. My boss scheduled a meeting with the two of us which had me sick to my stomach for days. When we finally sat down with him, he screamed like a bitch for 20 minutes until Ari shoved her foot up his fat ass. Eventually it all worked out ok, but I think I have had enough of my unprofessional, lackluster, waste of my time, job.

The Big Move
After countless days of looking at countless apartments, Kelly and I finally decided on a place on the Upper East Side. Yes, we’re movin on up. It’s actually not too high up, 76th street. The apartment is gorgeous: Exposed brick on the wall, beautiful wall paper, cherry wood floors, and brand new appliances. Downfalls: 3 and a half avenues to the subway and the living room is a bit small. It’s pretty much a trade off. A fantastic pad that is on the edge of the earth. But at least we’re still in Manhattan and the river will be beautiful in the summer. Picnic lunch on the Promenade anyone?

Paul
We’ve been getting along, which is nice. But we’ve been getting along like friends do. Last Friday he and I had a very long talk about our future. I feel as though we are on the last legs of our relationship – for real this time. He has quite a few issues that he is trying to work though and I have done whatever I can to help him along the way. Unfortunately I think there comes a point when you are no longer helping, only making things harder. I think we may be at that point.

Wedding Showers and Bachelorette Parties
My best friend, Rita, gets married on May 1st becoming the catalyst for a summer filled with weddings. I have only been to one wedding in my life, yet this summer I will be in two and attending a third. Clearly I don’t have the finances for this type of summer, but all of my friends have been incredibly supportive and have offered to cover some of my costs. Some of the best times of my life have been spent with my girls from college. Our group consists of 6 very different people. However there is a clear balance to our love and an understanding like I have never been able to find in any other group of friends. I am in the midst of planning Rita’s bachelorette party at the moment and it is fun and sad all at the same time. I want this to be the time of her life. More than anything.

Theatre Company
On top of everything else that I have going on, I am still an active member of the Theatre Company. Auditions for the next show are in two weeks and I couldn’t be more excited and stressed by the whole thing. The Company has decided to do the play “The House of Yes”, assuming we have no problem obtaining the copyrights. If you have never heard of this play before, you may want to check out the movie starring Parker Posey. Freddie Prinze is also in it, but he sucks cock. And poorly. And he lets jizz dry on his face. And then he scrapes it off and eats it.

My Brother
In three months, my brother will be returning from Iraq. He is supposed to be making his flight reservations this week. My family has been awaiting this moment since he left for the war back in April of last year. It’s been too long since we have seen him. It’s time for him to come home to us.

This Journal
I have been so stressed out over the last two weeks that keeping up with this journal has been nothing but a hassle. I’ve considered shutting it down. It’s been two years of keeping this thing alive and it may be time to pull it. However, this morning I received an email from a reader in London who told me that she lives for my posts. That kind of encouragement makes me feel like I could never stop. Its emails like hers that gives me the fire to keep up with it. So, thank you to my new friend. You’ve kept me writing for at least another day.

In Closing…
We move into our new apartment on Monday. Please bear with me until then. Once I settle in to my new exposed brick apartment, I will be so relieved. I have a big weekend of packing and moving ahead of me. I’m pretty much ready for it. But are my muscles ready for it? While I have 4 or 5 girls helping me out, being the only boy involved makes me a bit nervous. Paul has to work. Figures. Next time I need to date a big, strong, AVAILABLE guy. Then I will move every weekend just cuz I can.

I hope all you readers out there are happy and healthy.

Spring is coming. NYC is sure to smell like hot summer piss.

Can’t wait.

I am very sorry for the lack of posts.

My life is in complete upheival right now.

As soon as things calm down I will be back with the whole story.

Much love.

Joe CuttheShit

With everything I have going on right on, I will be unable to do a post.

Have a great weekend.

Be back on Tuesday.

My boss is the Antichrist

He has not only hurt my feelings and my pride, but he has proven himself to be a completely useless superviser. There is a line that a boss should never cross with their employee. And that line was definitely crossed today. It's the last straw.

He and I will be meeting on Tuesday morning.

After our meeting, I will be meeting with HIS superviser to discuss the way he treats his employees.

You want to play hardball fucker?

I'm ready.

Be back tomorrow when I feel like I won't kill someone.

My Favorite

Foods
Macaroni and Cheese – Velveeta style
Pizza
French Fries
Cheeseburgers – preferably the “Big N Tasty” from Mickey Dsnores.

Alcoholic Drinks
Vodka tonic with extra lime
Bailey’s on the rocks
White Russians
Vodka/Red Bull

Part of a Man
Arms – bigger the better.
Back/Shoulders
Chest

Musicians
Jason Mraz – my boy Razzie
Justin Timberlake – my boy Timmylakes
Anything Broadway – my boy brawdyway

New Band
Evanescence

Part of a Woman
Brain
Sensitivity
Humor
Cunt

Holiday
Halloween – as long as I don’t have to dress up. So basically…my favorite holiday is any day where I drink and don’t dress up.

Phrases to Say
Snore
Ridiculous
Hilarious
Fucking pew – as in P.U.
You’re a liar and a thief

Sibling
My brother Winfield

Movie
So many. If I HAD to choose one…probably I would pick…cunt.

Role I’ve played on Stage
Neechee from “Stupid Kids” or Jonathan Harker from “Dracula”

Shampoo
Palmolive – um, no joke.

Television Show
“I dream of snoring……” Sike. Anything MTV has to offer.

Time period of my Life
Senior year of College

Day of the Week
Saturday

Shape of Poop
Long and coily and speckled with glitter

Way to Sleep
Fetal with a big man’s arms around me.

Kind of Candy
Chewy Sprees

Kind of Carrot
Carrot

Bar in NYC
SPLASH – SBNY

Color
Black as night.

Way to Die
In sleep – dreaming of you

Thing to do in my free time
Smoke pot and watch mindless reality television

Books I have read recently
“The Nanny Diaries” by Emma McClaughlin (sp?) and some other chick. I also LOVE the “Tales of the City” series by Armistad Maupin.

Online Journal
My own.

Way to Hurt Someone’s Feelings
Ripping a fart in their bed.

Way to End this Post
achoo. Scuse me.

What a Friend Does

Today I had the honor of visiting my friend Angie during my lunch break.

You see, I was having a super bad day at work and I decided that I would feel better if I jet down to Hells Kitchen to catch up with my dear friend, the Angemeister. Or…a better nickname…or at least one that wasn’t MUY LAME!

It takes me 20 minutes to get to her apartment from work and then it takes me another 20 minutes to get back. I had previously warned Ari that I might be a “few minutes late”. Ha! Few minutes…it was a full half hour. Thanks A-dawg!

So, I arrive at Angie’s apartment and I immediately have to take a dump. Go figure. I had to shove my face with 3 pounds of Swedish fish last night and my punishment is tie-dye diarrhea. I sit on her can for a couple of minutes and then I flush, light a match and join Angie on the couch. She presents me with the tightest and most beautiful J I have ever seen and we proceed to well…J it. You understand.

Ten minutes later I am laughing my ass off and talking to her about all of life’s foibles. We discuss a number of things and stamp out the J. I ask her for a piece of nicotine laced gum and she obliges. With 6 pieces. Since I don’t have the patch on today, the Nicorette gum saved my ass. I can now chomp with abandon and marvel at my cigarette free day.

As I am leaving to go back to work, Angie presents me with a chicken breast sandwich that she bought for me at a local deli. I just looked at her with astonishment. Does she think of everything? Did she want me to pay her back? I didn’t plan on buying a sandwich, but should I pay her back?

She refused to take my money. Absolutely refused.

I gave her a hug and a kiss and I took off for work.

Angie gave me a few gifts today. The gift of J. The gift of Nicorette. The gift of chicken breast sandwich. But most importantly the gift of friendship.

To be able to hang out with someone and have them change your mood completely in a half an hour? That’s a friend. To be able to talk to someone and have them listen and give you intuitive advice? That’s a friend. And finally, to be able to count on someone to look at you with understanding eyes and to take notice of how you feel deep down? That’s a friend that I am so lucky to have.

Today will be better now.

I just know it.

Just Another Saturday Night?

On Saturday night, the Theatre Company held a fundraiser entitled “Aids. a benefit”. The program consisted of 3 monologues, 2 poems, and 2 scenes. Also my friend Mariah performed 2 songs and we had a representative from “God’s Love We Deliver” give a short presentation about his organization. All in all it was a very tight little piece we had put together.

Of course there were the usual panic attacks right before the show. Was anyone going to come? Did we have enough snack foods? What if we had more people than we had chairs? What if we forgot our lines? Why is the pipe in the back of the theatre spilling water all over the floor?

It was completely nerve-wracking and hectic, but we pulled everything off with such grace.

The performance only lasted about a half an hour, but the response was incredible. I thought that everyone’s performance was right on. I was also extremely pleased with the way my monologue went. I received quite a few compliments from those in attendance. After having in depth conversations with a few audience members, I was relieved to know that my piece was not only well done, but moving and powerful in its own right. I had stressed about my monologue for so long that finding out how much it affected people really made me feel as though the work I put into it was well worth it.

We had about 35 people in attendance and we luckily made just over $400. We are donating 20% of the proceeds to God’s Love We Deliver and are using the rest of the money to get started on our spring 2004 production. We are wasting no time in jumping in to the next show as we are having our first production meeting tomorrow. It may be a little soon, since Kelly and I are frantically trying to find ourselves a new apartment in the next week as well. But I tend to work best under pressure, so I am lucky that there is a shit load of it on my back right now to keep me moving in high gear.

After the benefit, I spent some time with a few guys who visited from my college. It was so nice to catch up with them. There were also people there from every aspect of our NYC life. Work, friends, lesbian bars, etc. The only person who wasn’t in attendance was Paul. He got stuck at work, sort of. There isn’t much to say except he broke my heart that night. And he didn’t apologize either. As I’ve been telling myself every hour after the show…it’s fine.

After schmoozing at the bar for an hour or so, 15 of us made our way to the East Village. We ended up completely taking over a local dive bar and drinking our faces off. It was a very eclectic group of people and for the most part it went smoothly.

I am always perplexed by people who ignore guests of theirs. I mean, if you don’t want to hang out with someone, send them home. It’s irritating for everyone else to have to take care of your guest, while you’re busy talking to who you want to talk to. And that happened A LOT on Saturday night. I don’t think anyone’s feelings got hurt, thanks to those of us who took care of the problem. But if you ask me if I had a great time on Saturday night, I wouldn’t be able to say “YES!” I would smile and walk away politely.

I am learning to bite my tongue a lot more than I have in the past. I have tried being vocal about shit that bothers me, but to no avail. I have since learned that people would rather have smoke blown up their ass than they would to have a real conversation with someone. I guess all of this stuff is running through my head today because it is the first time I have voiced my opinion since Saturday night. I like hanging out with tons of people at once, but I like when I don’t have to be the one that makes sure everyone is comfortable. I don’t know if people expect me to assume that role or if I do it out of necessity, but either way, it is something that happens frequently.

So yeah.

The benefit was a raging success. The outing afterwards was ok.

Kelly and I start looking at apartments this week too! AY YI YI! So much going on at once. We think we have found a really adorable place in Chelsea, but we won’t know for sure until we see it on Wednesday. But could you imagine me living in Chelsea? ME EITHER, but I LOVE the idea!

Keep Kelly and I in your prayers.

Till tomorrow…

Have a good weekend everyone!

I will miss you very much until we meet again.

The Fall of Poopsie

Last night I got home from rehearsal to find that there had been a coup d’etat in my hamster cage.

As I entered my bedroom, I heard some loud squeaking. I flipped on the light and went over to the cage to find that Poopsie had Colby pinned to the floor of the cage. Now, if you remember correctly, Poopsie is the smallest hamster I have ever seen. He is a black cotton ball that moves on mini wheels. He is TINY, but as I found out last night, can pack quite a wallop.

When Poopsie saw me looking into the cage, he backed off of Colby and put his innocent face on. I put my hand in the cage and he walked right into it. He can be quite adorable and also manipulative as I learned last night.

I played with Poops for a while and then put him back in the cage. I went to get something to drink from the fridge and when I came back, Poopsie had Colby pinned down again. I decided to watch from afar to see what was really going on. Eventually Colby freed himself and I watched as Poopsie chased him around the cage, biting at his heels. Colby squawked and squawked and ran for his life.

Morgan sat nearby shoving his face with everything he could get his hands on.

I decided to clean the cage. I thought that maybe they were fighting because they were living in a cage filled with shit and piss. Once their new home was ready to go, I put them back in the cage. Poopsie immediately went over to Colby, grabbed him by the neck and shoved him to the ground. I burst out laughing, but also thought “What the fuck is going on with my Poops!?”

Eventually the squeaking got so loud that I had to separate Poopsie from Colby and Morgan. I put up a divider in the cage. I fixed up both sides and made the cage into two little homes. Colby and Morgan walked around and decorated their new pad while Poopsie went CRAZY. He thrashed about, tearing through his half of the cage. The little house I built for him out of a cardboard box was destroyed within minutes.

I went over to the cage and asked Poopsie what the deal was. He looked at me with his tiny brown eyes and I melted. But I was perplexed…how come these three hamsters have turned into vicious enemies? They were best friends and now they want each other dead.

Who knows.

But for now they must be separated.

Jim, on the other hand, is doing so well. He sits and watches TV with me sometimes. Other times he walks around my bed and has little adventures. He loves crawling under my sheets and in my pant legs. He can fill a whole day by playing hide and go seek. I just love him and his sweet disposition.

Tonight I will go home and love them to pieces.

Maybe that’s all their world needs.

A lil’ bit o’ love.

I screwed up.

I was supposed to do a post today on the effects of lying and the such. But unfortunately, I lied about doing the experiments, so there will be no post about that today.

Sike! I just forgot. Can you forgive me? Can we take a rain check on it and I will do the test next Monday and Tuesday? Or am I just lying once again? MWAH HA HA HA HA. heh. yo.

Instead…I give you some Did you knows.

So, did you know

That I own 8 muscle man videos? They are kind of like porn except the focus is on the muscle and not on the dicks or assholes. I just love my men BIG and watching them on TV makes me blow my load over and over and over. The only catch…one of the men in my videos died last year and I still masturbate to his video. Is that necrophilia?

That I tried my first cigarette at the age of 20? I HATED it. When I turned 21 I decided I wanted to be a smoker because it would make me cooler. Now that I’ve more or less quit, I have realized that being cool is what it’s all about. I should go buy a pack after work.

That my favorite meal at McDonald’s used to be the Big Mac? I loved it for years and would get it as often as I could possibly stomach it. Now, for the first time ever, I have moved on to the Big and Tasty (of course with cheese!) and I have never been happier.

That I would rather be deaf than blind?

That I have been writing this post for the last 5 hours?

I gotta go.

SWAK!

Theatre brings me to Tears


The theatre company that I work with is throwing their AIDS Benefit this Saturday. A month of work has finally culminated in whatever tonight’s rehearsal will bring. Although the event is 4 whole days away, we have yet to put all of the pieces into a concrete format. Leave it to actors to wait until the last minute.

I know that everyone has worked on their monologues and I am very excited to put it all together. The production shouldn’t last longer than 45 minutes, but it is our goal to make it as powerful as we possibly can. My monologue gives me the jitters. I have to talk about how I was in the hospital with AIDS and how I shit myself all the time. It’s pretty graphic, but if done well can be very moving.

During lunch today, I spent the hour running my pieces. At one point, I was sobbing while delivering my lines. Out of nowhere, I heard a knock on the door and was horrified to see the fire marshal walk in. (He was testing the alarms) He saw me crying and said “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to disturb you.” I was so embarrassed and before I could explain myself, he shut the door and left. I sat there thinking…no one ever understands an actor.

You should see me running my lines on the subway!

Anynoodle, my friend Mariah is singing two songs and we are having someone from God's Love We Deliver speak about the organization. AY YI YI! So much to do and so little time. But that’s how we all work best, so let’s go!

If you are interested in attending, the event will be at 6pm at a bar in Times Square. Yes, you can drink during the performance. Send me an email for further details.

Other than that, everything is going pretty smoothly on my end. Paul and I had a wonderful night together. He made my most favorite dinner: macaroni and cheese (Velveeta style), sautéed green beans, chicken cutlets, and Caesar salad. He is a wonderful cook and I ate as though I hadn’t seen food in months. It was greedy and monsterish and I couldn’t stop myself. I moved on to an entire bag of sour patch kids and Swedish fish and finally rolled my fat ass into bed.

Don’t worry, I took a huge dump this morning and was ready for pizza by 11am. Yeah, I gotta re-think this whole “eating like a slob while not smoking” thing.

If you haven’t started watching The Inferno on MTV, you are really pissing me off. Get on the ball. Last night RUH RUH RUH ROCKED!

Gotta jet.

Not much time today.

Must…
Must…
Must increase my bust?

Rita and The Patriots and Pigs in a Blanket

This weekend was a whirlwind of madness.

As I sit at my desk this morning, I am reminded (by my sagging eyelids) how little sleep I actually got. I am also slightly impressed that I made it through the entire experience, from beginning to end, with a positive attitude and jubilant mood.

Rita’s visit was the shortest it’s ever been. We partied, we talked, we hugged, we laughed, and we spent every second trying to maximize the visit in whatever way we could. She was able to spend time with Kelly, Angie, Mariah, and even Ari hung with us for a bit! So many beers, so many bottles of wine, quite a few Malibu’s and pineapple. In total, I slept for 10 hours this weekend. And fuck do I feel it today.

After sending Rita off in her airport bound cab, I took the subway to Paul’s apartment. Sure, it was 7:30am and a Sunday, why WOULDN’T he be expecting me at his front door? At first he was irritated that I woke him up, but after he had a minute to realize that I went over to be with him, he softened and even went late to work on my account. I then crashed for a 3 hour power nap.

When I awoke, Mariah and I hastily through together a Super Bowl party replete with chicken wings, hot dog roll-ups and numerous varieties of vegetables, potato chips and dipping sauces. There was more beer, some red wine, some vodka tonics, and even a few bottles of soda…you know, for pussies.

8 people were at the party, only one of which was straight. Yes, gay people pretend to like the super bowl too! I think everyone had fun, although I didn’t move off the couch for the entire evening. I just kept shoving my face with whatever I could get my hands on. It was sick and wonderful all at the same time.

Then half time hit.

What the fuck. Is something seriously wrong with Justin and Janet? I mean, I understand trying to push the envelope and shit, but at the Super Bowl? The event children stay up with their families to watch? Parents who allow their children to BUY Justin’s CD’s? I just didn’t get it and to be honest, I thought it destroyed their performance. It was bad enough that the Super Bowl performers were warmed up leftovers from years ago, but to end it with a jaw dropping removal of Janet’s right breast plate? Scummy. And lame. I was not impressed.

And I was even MORE unimpressed that Justin’s reps are saying that it was a wardrobe malfunction. Give me a fucking break. You made a decision that was risky and it didn’t work. Accept your consequences. Janet’s star metal pasty over her nipple? Clearly she wasn’t prepared for the ripping of the costume.

And also…was Janet’s boob white? I don’t see a lot of boobs in my travels so it’s possible that black girls have white boobs, but logic tells me otherwise.

The game itself was really good. Very exciting. The guy who owns the building I work in also owns the Patriots, so the game meant a little more to me than it usually would have. The commercials blew, but Beyonce blew…my socks off! That girl…she’s the next Whitney Houston, I tell ya. Cept not Whitney. You understand.

Afterwards, I stayed up to watch the Survivor: All Stars and the late edition news to find out what the hell happened with Janet’s titty bomb. Finally fell asleep at 1:30am. Crazy Joe. Crazy and stupid Joe.

One last piece of info. for the day: Mary-Ellis Bunim (co-creator of The Real World/Road Rules) has died. I have to admit, this hurts almost as much as Nell Carter.

Now I must get through the rest of my day as quickly as possible.

I plan on climbing immediately into Paul’s bed upon arrival at his apartment. It will be there that he will serve me dinner.

It will be there that I will die until tomorrow.

It will be there that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz